Friday, 7 April 2017

044: darkness and pain



People hate falling.

I hate falling. The idea of letting yourself going through endless tunnel of darkness and having unknown creatures called inferiority, insecurity and mere darkness that might swallow you. It does not ease me at all. Pessimistic at it best, I know. I have been keeping everything under the blanket for such a long time that it suffocates me now. I am good at pretending to be all good, but I guess its eating me inside.

What worst could it be?

I think I'm losing myself.

I do not know who I am anymore?
I feel like I'm losing my colors
I do not know what I like. 
My passion, well metaphorically speaking is like the pumpkin cart in Cinderella story.
Puff, suddenly missing at midnight.
Forgotten because there is nothing more important than finding the owner of the glass slipper.
I'm losing a lot of things as I go through that darkness.

Yet, that is so wrong on many level. You, should not follow that gravity. Why am I letting myself to fall on the first place? Of course, falling is good. Following the flow could do some good to ourselves because who knows how the 'fall' could actually shapes you, to a better unthinkable you. In a way, no offense. Ignorance is good too. It just, we should not sing ignorance. It is a bad habit to publicly announce to the world that you are stupid.

I am a mess. I hate writing in negative tone. It just at this right moment, I cannot help it other than finding my own comfort in spilling emotions through word like I always do, before. A friend of mine, always remind me that "Bottling things would not make pain any less better. Cry, if you need to cry." There is someone who once commented in my previous entry that I should not be scared of writing anything - just write anything to express yourself.

I might look stupid right now. But nah, I care no more.
I need a catalyst. That's it.
Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.
- Do Not Go Gentle Into That Goodnight by Dylan Thomas